leaves on the seine.

everybody's looking for that something.
that one thing that would make it all complete.
that one thing that would be the ultimate reason to live.
that one thing that be make life all worthwhile.

some find it in the faces of their children
some, in their lover's eyes.
who can deny the joy it brings?
when you've found that special thing,
you're flying without wings (:

as impossible as it may seem,
you've gotta fight for every dream.
cos who's to know, which one you'd let go
would've made you complete.

for me, it'd be waking up beside you.
to watch the sunrise on your face
to know that i can say i love you
at any given time or place.

you're gonna be the place my life begins
and you'll be where it ends.

and l'amour de ma vie remains at large.

love.

today's training pretty much summed up the frustration that i've felt since training restarted in late october. we're playing sas this wednesday and sajc on friday.
for today's training, 27 turned up. 10 sec ones, 3 sec twos and 14 sec threes. our forwards packed included jay at wing forward, ig at prop and bryan as a second row. which simply means that we're severely short of first teamers.

our first team already requires a whole load more of improvement, what more our reserves! so many are overseas. i used to fret as i looked at each and every one of my team mates and used to shake my head in despair at some of the first teamers. but today has taught me to appreciate and make do with whoever that we have. i was very surprised at how mr teo did the selecting.
imagine you're coach, and you're faced with only one or two first teamers and like, so many reserves that you've rarely seen before! but no, he jst went up and made do with who we had. wow. i respected him, really. cos i'll be damn frustrated. he jst went abt choosing the team.

i do not under rate the team, nor do i look down on them. i am frustrated due to the lack of urgency that a majority of them show. they dn't seem to understand the fact that for us to achieve a credible 3rd or higher, we've gotta work hard. very hard. but no, they're coming for trng as if it's jst for leisure, putting in only half of their best effort. what crap is this? stop mucking ard damn it! only a handful give in their best. the rest.... i havent even seen them for trng. it's worrying and i've been under tremendous stress due to this. i hope the two upcoming matches would wake them up to reality. the reality that we're a really weak side currently.

leadership. captaincy.
i know not of where my fault lies. andy has told me that i'm rather self centred and i go abt during trng supposedly with a swagger. i disagree. i consciously make an effort to lower myself and try to be part of this year's team. i regret not bonding with them earlier. but it was only natural that i was closer to the snrs, (aaron's batch) why? because i was of a similar frequency with them and also cos i alr started playing with them in secone. this year's police cup bonded us even closer, am i to be blamed? no. whenever i try to chat up with my team mates, they speak of games like halo or rome empire or whatever. how to talk! on the field i've gotta admit, i do not really have a control over the team. they're very sluggish, irresponsive to me. like when we do warm ups and all. again, it comes down to having a lack of urgency. i dn't understand, really. maybe they are trying, but not hard enough perhaps? i dn't know. whatever it is i jst hope it changes, starting from the match against saints.

i learnt abt both the matches only today during morning trng. i guess after today's training, SJI goes into the match on wed with morale on an all-time low. really, it was depressing. sad. kann and i were trying to get the others to talk and all.. and again, no response. !!
thr's only so much max, kann, zu, mark and i can do for the team. it's the team effort. if the forwards do not recycle fast, if the forwards cannot win the scrums and line-outs, the backs wont get any opportunity to score at all! look at saints- their pack are solid, i dn't even wna talk let alone think abt their back line. good thing asanul's out for this one. but rather than focusing on them, i guess we'd jst hafta focus and concentrate our effort and scrape through both this matches. if sas is daunting, sajc wld be even worse. why? not only cos of the mental fear that they're better but also cos they're definitely more physically imposing. the thought of jay or kann going against weiqi scares me. wah hah. there's somewhat an air of resignation going around, as if all of us have accepted the fate. our fate that it's gonna be a screwed up season.
bullshit. we've still got a long way to go, we still can improve, we still can reach the finals.

commitment and urgency and focus guys.

today was kinda fun before afternoon trng. mark moses max and zu came over to my place after morning physical to shower and all. ate at far east then proceeded to dfs to sleep before gg for trng again. a hell of a lame time with them man. haha charlotte likes her present! whoo (:
i've got the SJI sports conference tmr, which most prolly lasts the whole day. thinking of catching shutter after that, heard it was kinda good. shrugs i'll see how the situation tmr goes.
im all alone at home, everyone's at the chalet in east coast. but i passed cos i was too tired.

love.


p.s. enamoured no more.

i invited the clique including lloyd and shu over for lunch tdy.
jon had con camp, so he couldnt make it.
d hadta go sch so she couldnt make it.
haha but today was still a bundle of fun nonetheless.

started off the morning at 9.
met nigel and vish for a run at macritchie.
we saw white eagles and seagulls.
wah hah.
it was a good run i guess, run twice.
first with vishnu, the second without.
vishnu is such a goof.
she was trying to throw her slipper at nigel,
and it ended up in a bush and we spent a good 5 minutes trying to find it.

lloyd arrived ard 1, mark&shu around 30minutes after?
we played bluff and daidee which was rather fun, cos we were playing this variation of daidee whereby there's a "caste" syste somewhat. a king, queen, eunuch and a maotong. (toilet bowl) the positions are decided from the first round of the game. kinda fun ahhaha especially for the one condemned to maotong. it jst sounded funny. after lunch, we went down for table tennis and i BEAT NIGEL SELVANATHEN finally. big daddy finally beats you, ass! wah hah.

training has become ass irritating. andy you're making me inhibited alright? im no aaron. pls jst let me be myself. if me not being able to live up to aaron, OR the captaincy for that matter, go ahead and get a better captain okay? sheesh.

a classic fool, i was. heh

what a GORGEOUS 2nd try by England.
goodness.
it illustrated perfectly the beauty of rugby.

the flowing movement, excellent recycling of the ball
and most of all, lightning quick thinking.

the clear vision needed to spot the gaps.
the maturity and composure to sniff out every opportunity.
wow.

hodgson was playing stand off.
he passed out to lewsey on the wing,
and a few phases later...
he spotted mark cueto on the other wing.
paul graham did the trademark England cross kick.
and..... cueto caught it la pls.
whoosh.

i am happy.
as much as im without love,
im still happy.
because im blessed with the best kind of friends God could ever present me with.
because these friends are a bundle of fun, laughter and much much more.
i can never thank each and everyone of them enough.
and yet, something still isnt right.
y'know... the final jigsaw.
it's so elusive.
i deeply yearn for it.
but, at what cost?
and what exactly is this jigsaw that im searching high and low for?
i guess no one gets everything.
why do i get to enjoy close friendships at the expense of other friends?
i dn't like it this way.
is it really impossible?

reconcile
v. rec·on·ciled, rec·on·cil·ing, rec·on·ciles v. tr.

1.To reestablish a close relationship between.
2.To settle or resolve.
3.To bring (oneself) to accept: He finally reconciled himself to the change in management.

and friends are friends forever, if the Lord's the lord of them.

it keeps the fire burning, the effort from dying..
from giving up.

yesterday's tens tournament was bittersweet.
i realised that the team has a long long way to go.
the way we were played by sa in the finals.
woahhh.
overwhelmingly embarrassing.

i look ahead and i recoil.
what a daunting task ahead.
heh the temptation to quit seems greater.
i jst realised my amath retest is on the 23rd and not the 29th.
shit shit shit.
dalun and joel turned up to play for us cos we didnt have enough players.
it was great seeing them again, really.

mark joel and lun came over for dinner.
4 large pizzas man.
and i had to eat 9 slices cos i made a bet that i'd give 10bucks to the one who cld eat more than 15 slices of pizza.
joel looked certain to reach 15 cus mark and lun stopped at 4 or 5. so i had to eat and eat.
haha he didnt get the 10bucks in the end.
that was fun, playing with my snrs, again.
brought back a flood of memories, really.

as usual today, woke up ard 7 and got ready for prayer.
i prayed at al-falah which was surprisingly full, considering it's in the town area and all..
the sermon was abt the evolution of Islam and blabla.
i was trying my darnest best to stay awake,
but it was in vain. it didnt help that i slept at 4 only.

headed over to my grandma's place, my dad's side.
had my breakfast thr the usual dishes, eg rendang, ketupat and what have you.
it's so....... routine every year.

but over at my other grandma's... the one whom im closer to
things werent gonna be routine at all...
i've got 8 uncles and 2 aunts on this side, and over 30 cousins.
and every year without fail, we would congregate at my grandma's place.
each and every single one of us.
since i was born, the moment i stepped into her home it was all smiles and laughter. happiness. love.
but it was different this time,
the air was still.. sombre even.
there were only a handful of cousins and only 2 or 3 uncles?
pathetic.
and pathetic was the word that i'd use to describe our attempts to liven things up, of course, to no avail.
my grandparents were distant, you know.. they had this faraway-look in their eyes.
but i dismissed it then, but i somehow had a hunch that today wasnt gonna be good.

an hour ltr, after most of them were present, we started i guess.
my grandad wld address the family then my grandma.
and she broke down.
i know i've nvr seen her cry in all my fifteen years.
but as she went on abt how the family is breaking apart
(cos during the past year there were many arguments, many heated ones.. which ultimately led to two families not turning up for jst now)
and yeah all of us are shocked la, we nvr knew it was this bad.
the tears flowed from my grandma's eyes, she was sobbing and sobbing.
i love her.
so much, i cared for her for the past 6 years or so, we went overseas every year.
this beloved grandmother of mine is breaking down.
but i kept my own emotions at check.
but it all broke, when my grandad, who stood tall against adversity.
my grandad, the pillar of strength, wisdom, the patriach i would say.
he too started tearing.
that was it, practically all of us teared.

and my own tears were like flowing for a good one hour.
such was the bond, the fondness that i had these two people,
i couldnt tolerate seeing them suffer, i felt their pain as well.
dammit. grow up you uncles and aunties.
they're in the twilight of their life.
let them enjoy such joyous occasions.
dammit these two people raised the ELEVEN of you monkeys up
with minimal income.
i say it's bloody disgraceful the eleven of you cannot care for TWO now.

you take their money
with promise of return.
empty promise.
asshole. return their thousands.
please........
let us not regret only when it is too late.
let us not regret only when we have lost them.
when do we learn?
when do we learn not to take things for granted?
when do we learn to treasure and cherish who we love?
appreciate, cherish.
please.



CHARLOTTE! happy birthday (: you stay suspicious babehh. and clara can continue fishin'
hahahaha.

there are so many things i wna get outta my system.
but... an opportunity has yet to present itself.
the past week has probably been
the most serene that i've had in months.

i felt a closeness to God like never before.
i hope it lasts...

the past month bears testimony tht time FLIES.
activities that were so excitedly planned were not executed,
simply because we weren't time-concious.
so, my most sincere apologies, fanis!

thank you afie for returning the windbreaker.

what if?
damn the what ifs in this world.
i have been living a life of regrets.

im sorry, denise.
i really am.

i realised today that anger,
can be very self-destructive
especially if not controlled
and channelled into the correct mediums.

fury like no other that i have experienced
this year swept through me and lasts even till now
as i write this.

puzzling.
i have no idea why i reacted so unexpectedly.
God, forgive me.


"President Arafat was one of those few leaders who could be instantly recognized by people in any walk of life all around the world. For nearly four decades, he expressed and symbolized in his person the national aspirations of the Palestinian people."

To God we belong and to Him, we return.
Innalillahi Wa Inna'ilaihi Raji'un

ONE more match, and i'll be utterly convinced
that manutd's really going down.
my heart cannot take the grimacing, wincing and cringing
at their failure to simply convert the chances.
saha was really disappointing, he cld've scored so many.

princess diaries 2 was surprisingly enjoyable.
anne hathaway was simply stunning.
her eyes, brilliant smile... wow. (:
she returns in this sequel, fresh faced with
more poise and elegance as she gears up to prepare to be Queen.
it's much better than the first one.
very comical, and lord nicholas was the epitome of chivalry, charm, charisma....
everything a man should be. ah