leaves on the seine.

it takes two to tango.
it takes two to love.

the past the now the future.

it's shrouded in doubt, uncertainty.
a void. i've been living a life of regrets.

"damn, i shd have done this better.."
"damn, i shd have TRIED harder.."
"damn, i shd have tried for experience.."

it's unhealthy. i realised i have been living my life day by day, without no planning whatsoever. i have worryingly become pathetically apathetic abt my school work, especially. not handing in assignments, instead of being a priority, stood lazily at the back of my mind. i haven't woke up, not since PSLE. i entered SJI, contented with who and what i was, failing to realise that hey, it's not more westlake primary, or it's not PRIMARY school anymore for that matter. i failed to realised the urgency of it all. and from the first term assesment in sec one till now, i have been on a never ending decline in a never ending well. a well of ignorance, misplaced pride and confidence.. you name it. im a shadow of my former self in a way, i acknowledge that i lost a lot of self-confidence. this happens when you are hit mercilessly with different blows, simultaneously in your solar plexus, your face, your tummy, your legs rendering you paralysed. and every attempt i make to try to overcome this paralysis, is an illusion. it's more like a pathetic try at denying myself what should have been crystal clear all this while- that i was failing. and as they all say, failure to plan is to plan to fail. i guess it's nvr too late but you can consider it a crisis when you are grappling with the fact that you might be retained, or worse, kicked out. it's scary, honestly.

on hindsight, this year's the first semester was pure gibberish. it was defenestrated the moment i entered the class for the first time. mr liew said something earlier this week which has leeched itself on my mind- "dn't make failing a habit"
i guess with all my failures in my academics especially, i have been adopting a very wrong mindset. when i see an incomprehensible math or physics question, my mind automatically turns off. when i see mind-boggling symbols and terms, it switches off. it's wrong, and i have realised that. it's so tough sometimes, but who cares? time definitely doesnt. above all this, procrastination has been tough as well. ah enough of all this useless self-pitiful rubbish. it's behind me. the year, although full of regrets, have been one full of lessons learnt as well as much fun. the wonderful bond forged with the other four, the wonderful season i had with both SJI and SRC, the friendships treasured and lost.. it's been pretty eventful.

haha i feel silly, cus i thought this should be done only at the end of the year. ohwells, friday's drawing to a close. tmr wld be yet another attempt to complete all my work and stuff, and i hope it wouldnt be in vain. tkcare all, i pray God be with you during this stressful period.

love.

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